Why do we stumble over such a simple thing?

Yes, no, each one gets a choice, all the time. Why should that be so hard?

Why do we question whether we have the right to choose – that any reason is enough, that any reason, or no discernable reason, is deserving of respect?

For me, I know – because when I have said no, or something like it, people don’t like it – get hurt, get mad, accuse me of this or that, whine, complain or quit. It takes guts to set a limit. I will go this far and no farther. You may come this far and no farther. This space belongs to me and is subject to my choice, period.

This other space, this space we share, is different. But the reason we share it is because I, and you, have made the choice to share it. Still a choice. And the only way to share it is to each of us choose every moment what is right for us.

This has been my path and my struggle for the last handful of years. Which is why I teach it so passionately.

Where do we get this? I am more convinced that yes, our families, sometimes well meaning and sometimes violent, have taught us this. But not just the ‘bad’ ones, either. Each person who walks in my door, and myself, have our own ways of apologizing for our choices, desires, limits. After all, if I were really nice, and good, I would need nothing for myself, not even limits. I no longer believe that it is just my own weird burden or quirk. Once I am aware of it, I see it everywhere.

I tell you, I am sick to the death of it. Sick of it. Sick of it in me, sick of it in those I would love to be closer to.

Now I am in the midst of some kind of shake up / break up of a close relationship of 28 years. I have noticed that my limits have gradually changed over the years, as they should, and they are not pleasing to the other person.

I am reminded that love is not the same as relationship. I will love this person until I die, there is no question about it. But the relationship must change, is changing, may not survive. I am no longer willing to tolerate some of what she dishes out. It is time for me to step out of the line of fire. She does not like the changes, which creates more fire, which reminds me why it is no longer an option for me.

Even with our children, we have to draw limits. This one has grown up, and I have to recognize it is no longer my job to stand through everything. It hurts.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 at 11:14 am and is filed under just life, On Intimacy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.