Blaze of gold
My heart is ripped open these days. I am all too aware of my own mortality, of my limits – that which I can not do and those things I will never do. My life is only one. It is not unlimited.
I am aware of the color of the leaves turning this month. Their first blushes of gold and red, how one branch will start before the others, one tree will be the first to turn, or the last.
The branches that were the first have long since turned, and the tree is now in the full blaze of gold, the tragic beauty before the leaves are gone and nothing remains but the skeleton.
I am aware that these sunny days are numbered. That soon this one day will be over, and this sunshine will give way to grey and cold.
I am aware that those I love will not last forever. That the love I love will not last forever either, belief to the contrary.
Yesterday I cried for missing you. I was a bitter heartbreak. Why, oh why, could it not work? Why could I not have what I longed to have with you? Why did I walk into this love without seeing this?
Today my tears are different. They are softer, and not bitter. They are good-byes, of sadness that it is over, of recognizing the sweetness that was a hope. What if there could be sadness without bitterness? This would be it. It is a great relief. We loved as well as we could.