Interview 2 - self esteem, buying sex, and selling out
Another installment of the interview (see Interview, Dec 19)
J__ <@> wrote:
I wonder if I could, at this point, put a couple of typical feminist points to you to see how you would respond to such arguments.
For example, given what you say about the (perhaps timid/reticent?) character of at least some of your clients, how would you respond to the (typically radical feminist) argument that men buy sex from women because they want to exert their power over women?
My response –
This one is written by someone who is not a sex worker! If this were the case, we’d have professional submissives, instead of professional dominatrices (that’s the plural of dominatrix). Sure don’t see many of those around, do you? Or perhaps the asker of this question is thinking that the typical prostitute is a professional submissive. Hardly.
99.9% of men who walk in my door are seeking someone who can exert some power over them, or at least with them. Or at the very least, a woman who is not afraid of her sexuality and will exert her wishes. Sadly, most women have un-learned this ability early in life (I sure did). In my 6 years, I have had only one man who identified himself as wanting to be in charge, and one who seemed only to want to stroke his ego. Everybody else wishes that someone - anyone! some woman! - will be empowered enough to make her wishes known. To express some desire and sexual enthusiasm. And some expertise.
I consider myself a feminist by the definition of (I think it was) Sojourner Truth, who said – I don’t know what a feminist is, but whenever I do anything that distinguishes me from a doormat, someone calls me one. And I have also given some years of study and personal growth work on my own liberation.
Being a feminist is not being anti-male. I understand more about the oppression of men than most men do. I’m often educating them about the restrictions they submit to. They are almost always amazed to hear what they felt but had never understood.
Why do men buy sex from women? Because they are frickin’ lonely!
And sometimes because they are smart enough to find a professional for their needs instead of an ill-conceived affair. And sometimes because they just want to be loved and touched, and know of no other way to find that. And sometimes because they want to experiment in some way they are afraid will offend their wife. And sometimes because they want an experience with a powerful, lusty woman who can match their energy and is not afraid of them. And yes, sometimes, because they are too scared, or don’t know how, to really talk with their wives about their desires. And sometimes, often, because they just want someone else to take charge and offer some guidance, for once!
Men are far more in need of closeness and intimacy, from us women, than we understand. Not that it’s our job to provide it, just that they have a strong need for acceptance and affection (of course – we all do) that they believe (wrongly or rightly) can only be met by women. In other words, they are far more vulnerable than it might appear, because they are more dependent on us. Again, it’s not our job to provide it, but understanding it helps to answer why men buy sex from women. They are lonely.
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J__ <@> wrote:
Another feminist argument has been that women must suffer low self esteem to do sex work (and if not then low self esteem will result), yet you say it has had a positive effect on your self-esteem/confidence. So is it that the constant reassurance from clients is good for your ego? That they not only tell you how wonderful you are but they also pay to spend time with you? Could you perhaps tell me a little bit about your views on the effect it has on your self esteem/confidence?
My response –
Self esteem comes from integrity. That applies to sex workers, bankers, street sweepers and vice presidents. Do we ever ask if the constant reassurance from clients is good for the egos of CEO’s? I’ll bet that it is.
Integrity means walking your talk. Do you live your values not only in public but in private? Do you live your values even when someone offers to pay you for giving them up?
Self esteem also comes from having some way to express and use your talents. ‘Look, mom, I did it all by myself!’ The satisfaction of a job well done. Right livelihood.
Those of us who feel a true calling to this work – yes it helps our self esteem because it’s being true to who we are. And yes, sadly, there are many sex workers who do this out of desperation, with, I imagine, mixed feelings.
In this way, self esteem is not to be confused with ego. Sure, hearing that you are attractive is good for the ego, but the ego will only take you so far. Self esteem, built on integrity, comes from the inside.
Even with the ego, the path of the sex worker is not an easy one, romantic illusions of glamor not withstanding. The censure of society has to be dealt with daily, not to mention the legal risks.
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J__ <@> wrote:
Also, on the survey, in answer to a question about what is being sold in this work, you ticked many things, but you didn’t tick ‘self’ and so I’m wondering how would you respond to someone suggesting that sex workers are ‘selling out/selling their soul’?
My response –
This relates to the previous, maybe in a more direct way. If you are doing something that is against your values, against your desires, against your better judgment, especially if you are selling it, then you are in effect, selling your values for money, for convenience. I’d call that selling out. Again, it applies to sex workers, hot dog vendors and international petroleum magnates.
It’s an understandable concern. If, as a (non sex-worker) woman, it would feel like selling out if I sold sex, then I must imagine that it would feel like selling out for you, too. In the sexist economy of attention and benefits, the woman sells affection and the man sells security.
Now, to another, more nuanced level. In my own practice, I notice it this way. When I am ‘true to myself’, meaning when I guide the interaction so that I offer what I believe will most invite the client to a new experience - more open heartedness, more understanding, more capacity for pleasure, more personal awareness – really, anything that will get him out of his old habits and open up new possibilities – then I feel good about my work. I feel spiritually satisfied.
There have been times, and any worker, I imagine, has these days, when I am lazy and go along with what he thinks he wants, with his old habits, because it’s just too much work to carry the vision of new possibility – this is when I don’t feel so good, and do feel more like I have sold something out. It happened one day recently and I got up the next morning and cleared it up with myself and gave some thought to what I could do the next tine to set things right with him.
So in a nut shell it’s this. If I set my values, my skill and caring aside, yes, it’s a sell out. If I follow my creativity and my heart and my conscience, no, it’s not a sell out. It has nothing to do with the activity I engage in. It has to do with the intention and the agreement I make with my client.
Again, I believe that is true no matter what the business.