Interview - a valuable social function, and why women don’t buy sex
I’ve been giving an interview over email, to a person doing academic research on sex work. Here is an excerpt.
J__ <@> wrote:
I wanted to ask next about your experience of the demand side of the work. For example, do you have any clients with any physical or learning disabilities at all? And if you do, do you feel in this way that your work offers a valuable social function by providing for those who are unable – either because of shyness/social skills or through disability etc? And similarly would you say that the service provides a social function in terms of saving marriages (by helping avoid affairs), by helping clients to improve their sex life with their partner? Or in any other way?
Which raises an interesting question -do you think people have a right to sexual services?
And I note that you have hired someone for sexual services yourself, and would be happy to in future, but given (supposed) increasing financial and social equality, why don’t women often pay for sex in the way that men do?
Questions, questions, questions . . . . It feels rather selfish to keep asking of you with little to offer in return other than, hopefully, to provide a vehicle for dispelling some of the myths about this kind of work. Do of course feel free to ask anything of me that occurs to you, as would be more likely probably if we were sitting down together in person.
—–
and I wrote -
I’ll say, J– , you ask great questions!
The answers are yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.
Disabilities - absolutely, tho not so often because they don’t usually have money. This would be a great service for more people if they could afford it. I had one fella 50’s, mild asperger’s - very socially awkward, but had a family inheritance trust fund for his living expenses. Made all the difference. I taught him how to hold hands, caress, kiss, respect my boundaries, even spoon. About the 4th visit or so I asked him what he was learning and he said – I’m learning that women are people. We never did go as far as intercourse, and I believe the skills he learned are of much more use to him than if we had ‘jumped right in’.
Another fella currently, paraplegic, hi-tech designer. Injured in early teens, intercourse is not a physiological option but lots of touching and kissing. And a great guy. I really enjoy him.
A new guy, only seen once so far, age 62, only had sex a few times, and not very successfully. Wants to learn before its too late. We start very slow, didn’t even get undressed yet, he has much to learn, will likely get to intercourse eventually. No hurry.
Avoiding affairs - absolutely. I am very happy to serve in this way. For many men, it’s also an opportunity to be with, see, experience, a woman who is unafraid and unashamed of her sex. And many men have never had the experience of being desired in a tangible, physical way.
I also have a fair number of men whose marriages have been sexless for years, but they are committed to staying for various reasons, usually love. Often they respect their wives’ choices, just are not making that choice for themselves. (Of course, I realize that I only get one side of the story.)
Learning skills - yes. I like to think they take it home, but truthfully, it’s hard to tell.
Right to sexual services - of course! It’s pathetic that it’s frowned upon.
Women - yes, men are more likely to buy sex, women are more likely to buy healing. It’s a cultural thing, I believe, and is due to the different conditioning the sexes get as they grow up.
In spite of improvements, women are still taught to be the receptive ones in everyday life. A woman who is direct and assertive is called a bitch.
Most women have never, or rarely, had the experience of actually being touched and loved in the way they like. In fact, many women don’t know it’s possible. A dismal thought. Most of the time they are ‘allowing the guy to do what he wants’. They perceive of sex as giving something, not receiving something. So why would they go pay for that?
Again, the key here is that they have no idea what is possible in pleasuring. They don’t know it exists.
Men, on the other hand, can have a tough time getting up the courage to get healing. It may smack of weakness or vulnerability. God forbid!
I see a great deal of courage in the men who see me knowing that they have something to learn or heal. The risk of exploring is that you will discover something which may or may not be pleasant, and which might make you change your way of thinking and acting. This is an act of courage, and I often remind them so.
And yes, you can keep the questions coming. I’m enjoying them.