The realization came while I was barely waking up. That’s when many of them do, actually - one of my most creative times.

I few days ago I was exploring with a friend. This is a person who knows me very well, and our explorations are emotionally vulnerable, on both sides. At the end of our time together he did something I didn’t like. It wasn’t awful, wasn’t even so out of line, just that I didn’t like it. My automatic response, honed so well over decades, was a giggly, smiley pulling away, as if the whole thing had been in play. But I noticed right away that I was uncomfortable.

Out the door and down the steps, I realized I had to go back and say so. The other option was that I would just grumble to myself, resent the incident, and trust our interactions just a little less. It would take some repair effort.

So I turned around and went back in. Of course I know how to say no – I teach people how to say no, for god’s sake! So I was able to say that I was not ok with that last bit, but I could only say it in a reasonable tone. (A reasonable tone is a useful skill, but if it’s the only one you have, it’s limited)

What I really wanted to say was – What the hell was that, you son-of-a-bitch? Knock it off! But I didn’t. What I did say, which was the right thing, was – I need to leave now before I try to make you feel better about it. You’ll have to deal with your own feelings.

That was that. Well done. Then I got home and shook and cried for awhile. Not about the incident, but about not staying to take care of his feelings. And that was that. Well done.

Then this morning the pieces came together and I realized the old childhood beliefs I carried – that it’s ok (just barely) for a woman to state her limits and boundaries, it’s even almost ok to state them firmly. But to do so with anger? Dangerous territory here.

I tried to recall being angry as a kid, and then it hit me – ugly. My mom used to say ‘Don’t be ugly’. Shit! It’s about being ugly? Ugly? What the hell?!

And god forbid any female has the right to be ugly! In any sense of the word. And then the whole implication that my duty, my role, my only option as a female is to be – what – attractive? Well that’s a mighty small niche, folks! Where’s the rest of me?

Of course I already know this about sexism. Don’t think that I don’t. Hell, I have taught many women to explore both their inner goddess and their inner hag. Both of which, by the way, we have been taught to be afraid of.

But there is always another layer deeper, and this morning I hit one.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 2nd, 2007 at 7:42 pm and is filed under On Intimacy, Sessions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.