Choosing
Choosing is, perhaps, the most spiritual act. It requires us to take responsibility for our desires. When you choose, there is no way around it.
Responsibility for having desires, and responsibility for whatever those desires are.
Oh! So much easier to hope the situation chooses for us! Or the other person magically takes the action we are hoping they will – the action that allows us to experience the touch or the arousal or the closeness or the freedom or the satisfaction we want, without admitting it. If they will just read my mind, I can have what I want without the risk of asking for it. If they will just ‘take me’ I won’t have to admit that I ‘m really lusty myself. If they will just do something I won’t have to figure out what I want. And there’s an extra bonus there. If they just do what they want, I won’t have to take the blame if it doesn’t work. I can just go along with whatever. And maybe, maybe, it will turn out to be what I secretly want anyway! Or maybe if I try it enough times with enough people, my secret desire will finally appear! Someone will finally make the right guess!
This is why before any power or fantasy play, it is essential that the person who is choosing to be the sub, choosing to surrender their power and their will temporarily, be completely responsible and speak clearly exactly what their desires and intentions are. And this is one reason (of many) why this kind of play is so personally enriching and amazing.
Choosing requires us to acknowledge things we might rather not admit. And why might we rather not? They don’t look so good to who we think we are! Here’s an example – I often get inquiries from straight men who would like to be ‘made’ to play with or receive attention from another man. Like wanting me to force them to be touched or fucked by another man. It’s something that is just too extreme a leap for a man who considers himself straight, so being ‘made to’ allows him to explore it with some degree of emotional safety. And having a woman present provides some of that safety too. A little fear can be titillating, but a lot of fear is simply immobilizing.
So it’s actually a pretty smart strategy. On the one hand, he’s taking the responsibility and risk to ask for this set-up, so that when he gets to the actual touching, which feels just too scary, he can then turn the responsibility over to me. That way the ‘part’ of him who is freaked out by this desire, can take a break. The ‘part’ of him who wants to try this, can have the extra support, in the form of ‘being made to’. It’s brilliant, really.
Back to acknowledging – it’s hard to admit we can be lustful, mean, bossy, cowardly, slutty, confused, out of control, or even downright fucked up. And for some, admitting we have sexual interest or desire for the ‘wrong’ gender (whichever one that is for us) can be terrifying. There’s a good reason for that. You didn’t make it up. Our social conditioning is very deep and very early and held securely in place by a heavy layer of shame and fear – and is a big enough topic for another day.
Another thing that makes it hard to acknowledge our desires is – pause for a minute and remember some time, when you were small, and your parents said ‘I’m so proud of you, that you always want so much! I can’t give you everything you want, but I’m so glad that you tell me what it is! You’re doing such a great job!’
Hmm . . . doesn’t sound familiar? Me either.
So the first step in choosing is to acknowledge the desire. Some of us have had such a fierce training to not do this, that this step alone can be mysterious, confusing, terrifying, or simply a big blank.
Then we get to take into account the possible results of our actions. Including, but not limited to, how the other person might take it and what unpleasantness I would have if they didn’t take it well, whether it would serve me well in the long run, whether it is consistent with my values, whether it would cause injury to myself or others, whether I might get caught, how ashamed I might feel to ask it or do it – or even – it’s just plain too weird! (which is another way of saying it does not fit with who I like to think I am)
Then we make a huge spiritual leap – we choose.