The blessing I need today
There was, thankfully, more to the day.
I’m just out of the shower after that low-heart-quotient massage, and hungry. My buddy arrives. Aha! Support! Someone who knows what I’m talking about! We walk down the block for quesadillas, and I manage to converse intelligently, but I’d really rather fall into his arms and cry. One of those days when everything has piled up and one tear suffices for many different reasons. Can’t even tell what the reasons are sometimes, only that it feels good to let them fall as they will.
We agree to trade massages, speak our choices and limits, he’s first, face down on the hotel bed, beautiful ass and skin, my friend. Now this has heart. We are both in need of this care today and give it freely.
My turn – I am in tears as soon as I lie down, just letting go. Don’t have to hold anything for now. Don’t have to hold any one else’s needs or boundaries. This is for me. His hands are perfect, he follows my responses, lets me move and shake, several times we make a connection like plugging a wire into a circuit and the energy moves through us. We are both comfortable with it. Then I have settled down, just enjoying it, and he finds a place on the front of my shoulders and holds, and more tears. Then they are done and we move on. Then another place across the front of my chest, deeper tears.
At one point I become aware that I am hiding behind my closed eyes. I make myself open and look into his. Coming out of the shame of this much emotion. I am barely aware of some old tapes in my head that say I don’t deserve this simple pleasure. It’s something that others get to have, but not me.
His hand on my cunt is very warm, reassuring, making no demands. It’s just another part of my body. I gradually want more, his touch is soft. Getting one’s genitals massaged without a sexual agenda is a truly amazing thing. No demands, no agenda, no trying to get me off, no trying to get a little further, no nothing. Just caring touch, just like anywhere else.
I ask him to bring his finger in and hold just there, like that. Again I am aware of the tapes that I don’t get to have this. They are louder now, and I suddenly know what I have to do. I have to let myself orgasm with him as witness, eyes in each other’s. This is the blessing I need today. This is how my heart needs to be seen today - with love and appreciation and no demands. This is how my shame needs to be brought out of hiding. The words find their way out – I do get to have this, don’t I? Yes, he says, yes, you do. You get to have this too.
I am locked into his eyes as that orgasmic current runs through my heart and arms and legs and I know I have been blessed. My heart has dropped some of its burden. Thank you, I say. You’re welcome he says, you’re very welcome.