What does she want?
“I want to re-establish intimacy!”
He sits on my bed in the hotel, soon to go on a cruise with his wife of 28 years. She’s had her cancer’d breasts removed, and as they do nowadays, constructed new ones in their place. (They take flesh from the tummy - my inimitable sister said after her surgery – Look, I got a free tummy tuck with my boob job!).
He is hoping to ‘re-establish intimacy’ after a few years of no sex, and the play they had before was less than inspiring to her to begin with. Last time I visited his city, he’d said ‘I’m scared shitless! – how should I touch those things?’
The answer, of course is simple – however she wants you to! But really, it’s never so simple as that, is it?
So here he sits –
He: I want to re-establish intimacy.
Me: Frank! (not his real name, of course). No woman wants to re-establish intimacy! She wants to be loved and enjoyed. She wants to be respected and invited to play in whatever way SHE wants.
He: Great, yeah, so how do I do that?
Me: I believe the best way to start – always - is by telling the truth about yourself. For example – you’ve already told me some things that are true about you – 1) you love her, 2) you are aware that she was not so inspired by your sex before, 3) you really want to learn to make love in a way that she enjoys, 4) you don’t know how, and 5) you’re scared. That’s a great start!
He: [practices those awhile]
Me: Awesome! Then you ask for what you want. You told me 1) you would like another chance to learn with her, and 2) you want to find a way that she can have what she wants too.
He: [practices those] And how do I find out what she wants?
Me: Here’s the secret – you ask her! Well, there actually is a secret to that. She is never going to say – I want you to put your hand here and your leg there and then turn your finger twice to the left and then increase the pressure and go four times to the right and then move your other leg over there – is she?
He: [rolls his eyes and laughs]
Me: Of course not. You have to start smaller. And you definitely have to start somewhere besides sex. You have to get really comfortable with a few words here and there, and to touch in a way that she wants more. And, since you are the one who is getting educated here, you are going to have to lead by example.
We: [practice asking and touching awhile]
Me: [his hand is stroking my leg] Slow down – slow waaaay down. More. What happens with your hand when you slow down?
He: I feel more of your leg.
Me: And your hand relaxes. Notice that? How it softens and drapes around the contours? Now that actually feels good! [it does!] What else do you notice?
He: I’m getting turned on a little.
Me: Yep, me too. Much better, huh?
He: May I touch your breasts?
Me: Yes, you may, and please enjoy them [requires no practice, except going slowly to enjoy it more - he’s catching on]
Me: And we have a little more time. Any other touch you would like right now?
He: Yes, would you play with my dick?
Me: You bet!
[play, play, play, sigh, moan]
He: Thank you!
Me: You’re very welcome. I hope you have a wonderful trip, and I hope for a full report next time I see you.
[hugs, hugs]
i love how you break it down into manageable pieces. i want to hear how it worked when he tried with his wife.