Protected Innocence
I had dinner with a friend the other night, same restaurant where we’d met 6 years before. On our second date (back then), we sat on the floor, looked into each other’s eyes and asked ‘What do you see?’.
‘Healing’, I said. He felt the same. Well then, we decided, why mess around? Lets just skip the dating thing and get right to the healing thing. Let’s give each other the support and experimenting we need. Let’s help each other out. Really well.
I taught him some things that blew his mind (and increased my fun). And he gave me the opportunity to practice being a sacred whore, though I was not aware of that til later. (Lucky man!)
So sometimes that was talking marathons – what did you notice just then, what’s the assumption behind that, is this old belief still useful, what do I do with this feeling – and other times we just loved each other through whatever tears came up at the moment.
But our fantasy play became a high art! Remember playing cops and robbers as a kid? You agree who’s who, and the character takes over. You get to be bold, courageous, dastardly and cunning. Or rather, you already are all those things, but playing, you get to bring them out of hiding.
We started one night in the back of his van, camping. I felt like a little kid inside and wanted to let her out to say what she needed to say. I asked, he agreed, and the inner 6 year old ‘came out’ to talk –wanting comfort and reassurance that this big sexy person would not come after her. She wanted hugs and cuddles but not ‘that weird stuff that grownups do’. So the two of us, both our grown-up selves, gave her exactly that. And let me tell you, she became his most loyal fan! Stick with that guy, she would say to me inside, he’s REALLY nice!
Another time – I knew what the 15-year-old me needed, told him what the situation was and exactly what I wanted him to say. Here’s how it went. I am 15, you’re my 40 year old neighbor. I am totally hot for you. You would love to go after me too – but you are not going to act on it. In fact, not only are you not going to act on it, but you are going to refuse my advances, no matter how strong I come on to you. And these are the words I want you to use. I want you to say – ‘No I’m not going to. I care about you and it would be unfair to you.’
As we talked about it and set it up, I realized the crucial piece was that he was hot too – he would have loved to take me up on it, but chose not to. If I had just been some clumsy kid to him, it would not have been the same.
Ok, lights, action, camera. I walk in to his living room and ask him to show me the 2-step (that’s country dancing for you city slickers). It requires arm in arm, you see. Remember I said cunning? Oh man, do I turn on the heat, and oh man, is he valiant. Clearly affected by it – he wants to, remember – but firm in his no. And in the midst of it we (the real, present day we) are having a blast – it is damn hot!
Now, you may not realize the 2-step can be hot, but you’ll have to trust me on that one. Loins aching, nipples tingling, the whole deal.
Finally I get it. He’s not going to take me. And with that, whoosh, the tears, big buckets of them, tears of relief, tears of gratitude, tears of memories of other outcomes. We just slumped onto the floor while he held me through all of them.
Wow – I don’t seem to know how to close this story. Thank you, dear friend, and happy birthday.