Having found a place with a little privacy, we sit in the sun to talk. Talking seems to be the most important part today. He’s young, 30-something, and things are not going well with his girlfriend. There is a look of worry in his eyes. I want to take him into my arms like a mother and comfort him. So we sit in the sun and talk, and several times he says how glad he is to be able to talk freely.

His growing up years were not without worry – a mentally ill parent, extremely strict religious upbringing, a several years affair with an older woman neighbor. He’s worried that there is something wrong with him – can’t get erections when he wants them, comes too fast if he does at all, now getting stuck on internet porn.

I listen and ask for a long time, longer than usual. My heart goes out to him. Not pity, no, but compassion for this young man who has no idea of the pain he’ll go through as he heals. Or maybe he does. Maybe we all do. Maybe that’s one reason we drag our heels sometimes. Ok, get real, maybe that’s why I drag my heels sometimes.

But there is no cure like choosing to feel the pain that is already there. And feeling it is guaranteed if you slow down and relax enough to let down the tremendous amount of energy it takes to keep it at bay. And having someone be there – I mean right there in front of you – while feeling it, acknowledging it, crying it, talking it, shaking it. I think this is our instinct as humans, which we learn to keep under wraps about the time we learn to walk and talk. Uh-oh – I feel a rant coming on. But I’ll skip it for now, and get back to my young man.

He talks some about the expectations of being a man – that you’re supposed to know things you don’t, that you’re supposed to do the right thing and take care of things, that you’re supposed to be capable of, well, everything, all the time. And at the same time, some satisfaction in those things when they are real, when you actually do accomplish something, or help others.

I ask about women – what do you imagine might be difficult for a woman? Other side of the same coin – expectations of having to be a certain way, going along with the man, having to be careful, having to take care of certain things.

Hmmm . . . I ask, did you notice that all the things you mentioned are not so much about BEING a man or woman, but being treated and trained like a man or woman is expected to be?

I remind him that most people have acknowledged how women (and others) have gotten boxed in, but not many have noticed yet how much this costs men. The loneliness, the overwork, the fear of intimacy, the emotional confusion and tension. Yes, he says, this is true. No one has ever pointed that out before.

I explain that we all have real needs for human-to-human closeness and affection, connection, respect, appreciation, which for most men, are generally not available from other men. So, who’s left? Women. And which women? Only those that are the right age, race, looks, education, class and sexual orientation. And those who are willing. That makes a pretty narrow field there!

So all those needs for connection, that have nothing to do with sex, are going to get met by this one activity, with this one person???

Does this mean it’s wrong to want sex? Hell no! But it’s a mighty big burden to put on sex, all those other needs. No wonder you feel desperate.

What’s this all got to do with erections?

In this case, my young friend was holding a tremendous amount of tension in his body, just trying to ‘hold it all together’, and not understanding why. His body and its urges were at war with his head and its ‘shouldn’ts’.

We had a little time left, so retired to the studio where he lay on the massage table, fully clothed, and learned to feel his belly from the inside. Hmm, that’ a little too graphic. I mean he learned to give some of his attention to the sensations of the movement of his belly while he breathed.

Boy, that sounds boring doesn’t it? This story is spiraling down fast.

He learned to take the very first steps of discovering what’s going on with his body. There. Is that better?

Aw, heck – here’s the moral of this story.

If the information from your body is getting drowned out by the ‘shouldn’ts’ in your head, you either have to turn up the volume in your body or improve the reception in your head. You have to help your head and your body get acquainted again so they can make friends. Then maybe they can even love and trust each other, and help each other out.

And moral #2 – sexism sucks, even for men.

I still wanted to take him in my motherly arms. Maybe he’ll be ready for that at some point. Next time I will teach him how to ask for the touch that he wants.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 31st, 2007 at 11:46 am and is filed under Sessions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.