True to myself
How many times have I returned to this lesson? We complete, he leaves, I reflect on the nature of this satisfaction. So simple. It is this – that I have been true to myself. That is all that is required. Ever.
What we did, or didn’t do, is of little consequence to this peace. While holding each other, at the end, I reflect on the feeling of completion. I feel compete with this interaction. If we never saw each other again, this would be enough. That is, there are no loose strings, no unfinished business, no left over items that we must talk about and get straightened out. Not because we agree on everything, but because there is nothing I am trying to get out of him, or get him to do. I have a temporary reprieve from my obsession to fix things – especially relationships.
There is nothing to fix because there is no future. There is this person in front of me, there is this invitation, there is this interest, this giving, this desire, this expression, this affection, these tears, this compassion. Then we are complete. This is how I intend to take each visit we may have. But then, there is that future-hope, right there.
There is nothing to fix because I was true to myself. I notice this – that when I am true, I have no regrets, I have no need to worry about what might become of ‘us’. I am able to let things be how they are. My eyes are very tired, but I breathe freely and deeply tonight.
He is my lover. Or was. Or we’re not sure, really. We love each other, though what form of love is not clear, to me anyway. Is it ever, I wonder? Even when I have felt sure of things, with him, with others, they change. Of course!
My friend reminds me that all relationships, every last one of them, is temporary. Even when people think they know, even when they plan to know, they are temporary. Of course I know this. Of course I struggle with it when it’s my turn to be in the midst of it.
But I will sleep well tonight. My heart is at ease. I have been true to my self.