Different desires
I went to a Cuddle Party the other night. It was awesome! They take you through a little workshop intro thing about choices and communicating and the rules [www.cuddleparty.com].
But one thing they said was that the two most common fears that people bring is 1) no-one will want to cuddle me, and 2) someone will want to cuddle me that I don’t want to cuddle. Of course they deal with those by – oh, go read the website.
But now I’m thinking this – both of these fears are actually the same thing – the fear that some one else will have a different desire than I will.
Now think about that. Some one else will have a different desire than I will. Hello! That is always the case! Every moment of life, not just among lovers in passion!
WHY is that a problem? It’s a problem because – if some one has a different desire – we have to do something about it. We have to make some kind of choice and take some kind of action. We have to either – say no (risking all sorts of trouble) – or say yes against our instinct or better judgment or wishes – or negotiate (what a bother) – or capitulate to avoid conflict – or postpone our own desires for another time – or aaaggghhh - deal with our own discomfort about the whole damn thing!! No wonder we fear it! Too damn much trouble!
We all, every one of us, have been touched against our will. We have all, as children, even in the best of circumstances, been picked up, moved around, cleaned, dressed and held still. (Some one had a different desire than we did and they were much, much bigger.) And most of us have also been spanked, pulled around, or smacked. And many of us have been terribly mistreated, either violently or in less overt but more creepy ways.
So we figure it out as best we can, as little ones. The most dangerous option of all, of course, is to say “no!”. So we go along, hide our feelings, say what they want to hear, shut ourselves down, or just stay the hell away as bet we can. Very smart option for a small person being handled in ways they don’t want by a large person.
Uh-oh, guess what - now we are grown ups. We never did figure out that asking and saying yes or no stuff. So the prospect of some one else’s desire - even the possibility of the simplest offer of the most respectful and non-threatening touch – or the opportunity to make the simplest request - is a mystery because we never did get a chance to learn – what to do!
So go to a Cuddle Party and learn how.